Befriending Distressing Emotions Rather Than Avoiding Them: They Want Your Attention!

All of us have certain parts of our lives—small or big—we want to avoid. Often, that’s because they are uncomfortable, upsetting, or inconvenient.

Our brains are full of knowledge of what we “should” be doing for our own good. Exercising, eating healthfully, and wise money management are some examples. 

It’s easy to be aware of the need to engage in such practices because they are widely talked about in our culture. But that may not come naturally to you. You may prefer to put them off or ignore such needs in the light of your busy schedule or other excuses.

On an even deeper level, many of us have learned to avoid and ignore distressing emotions. 

Unlike habits such as physical exercise, however, the importance of paying attention to such emotions is not widely talked about in our culture. Without even being aware of what you’re doing, you create tools to bury emotional distress. In essence, you learn to run away from it. 

Why You Avoid Your Emotions

Imagine you’re grocery shopping and notice an old acquaintance across the produce department. You may think it would be awkward or uncomfortable to talk with them after so many months or years. So you pretend you don’t see them and turn into an aisle you don’t need to go down. Your cheeks flush, and you decide to check out without finishing your errand. 

With this decision, you avoided emotional discomfort. But you may also have missed the chance to rekindle a friendship or catch up on other old friends you both know.

While this example may seem a little silly, it does illustrate the way in which many of us avoid our distressing emotions. There are reasons why we do this, but we often don’t take the time to examine those reasons. We just want to put those moments of discomfort behind us.

Throughout our lives, many of us distract ourselves from emotional pain with a myriad of unhealthy coping mechanisms. Overeating, overspending, substance abuse, workaholism, isolation, and codependency are frequent ways that emotional avoidance shows up in our culture.

Unfortunately, these coping mechanisms offer only temporary relief. And by avoiding the discomfort, we miss the opportunity for deep healing and for building the confidence that comes from facing a challenge and navigating our way through our struggles creatively. Ultimately, these unhealthy coping strategies or the distress of overwhelming emotional pain is often what brings individuals to my office.

How You Can Start Befriending Your Emotions

Fortunately, it is possible to excavate the emotional distress that you’ve buried. Rather than turning your back on your feelings, you can learn to face and accept them with curiosity and self-compassion.

They are there for a reason—they want to tell you something important.

Returning to our grocery-store analogy, imagine yourself in your car after the encounter, thinking about your reaction. Did you notice any physical sensations other than blushing? What was your body trying to tell you? How was it telling you that? Why did you want to avoid that person? Maybe they had offended you in the past or you never returned an item you had borrowed. Or you may have gained weight since the last time they saw you and felt embarrassed. Or maybe you don’t know why you wanted to avoid them.

Pondering on the answers to these questions is a good first step to befriending your emotions. But what else can you do?

When I work with individuals in therapy, I encourage them to learn how to slow down enough to listen to their emotions. Together, we work on unraveling the reasons for their emotional distress, just as in the example above. 

In these therapy sessions, I often draw upon elements of the Hakomi Method. Mindfulness plays an important role in this process.

Why Your Emotions Are Your Friends

Tuning into what your body is telling you is a key step in mindfulness and listening to your emotions. 

Yes, this can be uncomfortable. Some emotions can turn your stomach or give you a headache. They might arouse an insatiable need for chocolate, alcohol, or retail therapy. But there is a reason why this happens. 

Your emotions are messengers sent to provide vital information. They are like friends that facilitate the healing that naturally wants to happen. Distress offers a clue as to unmet childhood needs that continue to cause you pain. But you have to sit with your emotions long enough to be able to hear what they are trying to say.

As you learn to observe your emotions and accompanying physical sensations without judgment, you can develop deep compassion for yourself. This self-compassion leads to emotional health. Thus, when you befriend your emotions, you learn to reduce your reliance on unhealthy coping mechanisms and stand in your own strength.

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If you’re curious about the Hakomi Method—a mindfulness and body-centered approach to therapy—and how it can help you, please reach out to me for more information.